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Go to the bottom of this page My really shitty and emo poetry
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06-12-2004 2:03 AMTehya Nwalme is offline Send an Email to Tehya Nwalme Homepage of Tehya Nwalme Search for Posts by Tehya Nwalme Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

This is something I wrote and would like critted. I beg for some response to this. It is slightly warped - but it's better than some of the stuff I could put here.
:D

Time

A man wanders the narrow street
Behind him, dust swirls and coalesces.
Pebbles crumble.
Time moves.
His weather-stretched face turns; looks.
His gaze rests on, penetrates, you.
Time runs.
You fall into it.
You decay in the liquid seconds.
Your thoughts slur and bones stiffen.
Skin sags and crumples over you.
Veins stand out in purple webs.
Liver spots mar you.
Your slow thoughts cease.
Heart stops.
Like a used tissue,
You fall to the ground.
Your old bones shed skin and organs
Leaving a yellow crumbling skeleton.
When there is naught left but dust,
He turns away, touching a wall.
As he moves past the eroding wall,
he smiles...
He is time...
Invincible, Immortal.
He knows that all things decay and die.
One day he will see the universe cease.
Only he will outlast eternity

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Fuck my life, if this child porn job doesn't take off I'll have to go back to the institution.
02-21-2005 11:05 PMEdger is offline Send an Email to Edger Search for Posts by Edger Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

It is a very good concept...

The only thing I don't like is that you used "you". I think it would be better in 3rd person by switching "you" to "she".

I like your use of alliteration, assonance, and metaphor. (I appreciate these things more since studying them in Brit. Lit ^_^)

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Quote by Jack Crawford:
What the fuck? Ed looks less like a nerd than I do. What bullshit is that?

12-22-2007 7:08 PMAlabastard is offline Send an Email to Alabastard Search for Posts by Alabastard Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

...Emo?
12-22-2007 7:12 PMStruggler is offline Send an Email to Struggler Search for Posts by Struggler Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Probably.

Also lol Pyro's girlfriend

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GUL DUKAT DID NOTHING WRONG.

Sharp: "It suggests to me he's not a political guy, something is going on" well then you're an idiot wolf blitzer

12-22-2007 7:30 PMAlabastard is offline Send an Email to Alabastard Search for Posts by Alabastard Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Was she?

I thought she was just some random gal who popped up to RP with Ed.
12-22-2007 7:41 PMStruggler is offline Send an Email to Struggler Search for Posts by Struggler Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Nope

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GUL DUKAT DID NOTHING WRONG.

Sharp: "It suggests to me he's not a political guy, something is going on" well then you're an idiot wolf blitzer

12-22-2007 7:45 PMAlabastard is offline Send an Email to Alabastard Search for Posts by Alabastard Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

...Huh. That's just weird.
12-26-2007 4:48 PMEnclave Agent is offline Send an Email to Enclave Agent Search for Posts by Enclave Agent Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Well...yeats it definitely isn't.

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JE SUIS CHARLIE


These are not fairy tales, or myths. This place of power is tangible, and as such, can be found, entered, and perhaps, utilized in some fashion..

Quote by Nina Fortner (regarding faking one's death):
Been there done that. No one would believe it this time.

Quote by Alizarin:
holy fuck i am ready to burn it all down. all of it.

12-26-2007 4:53 PMAlabastard is offline Send an Email to Alabastard Search for Posts by Alabastard Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

None of us are, ahahahhaha.
12-26-2007 6:21 PMStruggler is offline Send an Email to Struggler Search for Posts by Struggler Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Lol yeats

__________________
GUL DUKAT DID NOTHING WRONG.

Sharp: "It suggests to me he's not a political guy, something is going on" well then you're an idiot wolf blitzer

12-26-2007 11:58 PMMav is offline Send an Email to Mav Homepage of Mav Search for Posts by Mav Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Quote:
Originally posted by Sharpshooter005
Well...yeats it definitely isn't.


...Why do I feel like I have a(n old) book of Yeats' poetry.


...Because I have a book of Keats' poetry.


Ah.

__________________
Quote by Hol:
Though it's Christmas Day
I really do have to say
Dammit Mav, you're Gay

Quote by Alizarin:
<Alizarin>: mav mav he's mabulous la la la




Quote by Daveh:
I thought of you and my cock got as hard as a diamond, the rope stood no chance D:

12-27-2007 12:57 AMStruggler is offline Send an Email to Struggler Search for Posts by Struggler Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Quote:
Originally posted by X-sah
Was she?

I thought she was just some random gal who popped up to RP with Ed.


She was the one that wanted to stay at college and avoid Pyros' wants of her staying..somewhere else closer to him, and she was only 15 and he was like 17 or 18, and it was really weird, and naturally Pyros pulled a Crashu when we tried to tell him "hey planning your future centered around a 15 year old is kind of STUPID TO DO"

__________________
GUL DUKAT DID NOTHING WRONG.

Sharp: "It suggests to me he's not a political guy, something is going on" well then you're an idiot wolf blitzer

12-27-2007 1:14 AMAlabastard is offline Send an Email to Alabastard Search for Posts by Alabastard Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

...Oh this was HER

I thought it was another person, ahahhahaha
12-27-2007 1:29 AMEnclave Agent is offline Send an Email to Enclave Agent Search for Posts by Enclave Agent Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Quote:
naturally Pyros pulled a Crashu when we tried to tell him "hey planning your future centered around a 15 year old is kind of STUPID TO DO"


Yeah this seems like the...fourth example of this on this place.

And it's usually a fifteen year old too, like..yeah, almost exactly that age.

__________________
JE SUIS CHARLIE


These are not fairy tales, or myths. This place of power is tangible, and as such, can be found, entered, and perhaps, utilized in some fashion..

Quote by Nina Fortner (regarding faking one's death):
Been there done that. No one would believe it this time.

Quote by Alizarin:
holy fuck i am ready to burn it all down. all of it.

12-27-2007 2:26 AMAlabastard is offline Send an Email to Alabastard Search for Posts by Alabastard Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

I think there was only three, but eh.
12-30-2007 12:33 PMStruggler is offline Send an Email to Struggler Search for Posts by Struggler Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

"Only" three....?

It shouldn't even be one.

__________________
GUL DUKAT DID NOTHING WRONG.

Sharp: "It suggests to me he's not a political guy, something is going on" well then you're an idiot wolf blitzer

12-30-2007 5:32 PMAlabastard is offline Send an Email to Alabastard Search for Posts by Alabastard Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Gotta have some drama I guess!
01-07-2008 8:50 PMEdger is offline Send an Email to Edger Search for Posts by Edger Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

LOL I R MAV I R POSER LOL I R HAPPY GIFT DAY LOL I R POET LOL NOT EMO LOL

__________________
Quote by Jack Crawford:
What the fuck? Ed looks less like a nerd than I do. What bullshit is that?

01-08-2008 4:50 AMOld Gabén is offline Send an Email to Old Gabén Search for Posts by Old Gabén Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

FOR. THE. LOVE. OF. GOD.

THE "ME" IN THE TITLE OF THIS THREAD HAS SKETCHED ME OUT FOR EFFING YEARS, SOMEONE CHANGE IT, EVERY TIME I SEE THIS THREAD COME UP A DEEP LONGING IN MY SOUL CRIES OUT FOR SOMEONE TO APPLY SOME KIND OF JUSTICE HERE

I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT


THE


FUCK

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01-08-2008 4:51 AMAlabastard is offline Send an Email to Alabastard Search for Posts by Alabastard Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

How's that?
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