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09-05-2007 10:42 PMMav is offline Send an Email to Mav Homepage of Mav Search for Posts by Mav Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

I've decided to subject you all to my writing. I mean, if Krash can do it, why can't I?


To lull you into a false sense of security, lets start with some prose:


Marigold Covers

When we knew each other I was trapped in a bookstore job, and when you first walked through I checked out your familiar tome with a bored smile. But you came back every week, though my suspicions suggested that you were a reader of high speed and waited the week to return each time out of shyness, or anticipation, or rhythm. By your 3rd appearance I knew your name, a Victory on my part, but you had known mine from the 1st, Chuckling it out in that sing-a-song voice of yours, smirking at my tiny badge. I knew then that you had to be mine, and you didn't know, yet, that booksellers are bastards.

By the 7th we had worked up a nice little back-and-forth-and-back, and the 8th was when I first asked you a question of a romantic nature. We met and spoke again before the 9th, and by my opinion when the 11th rolled past there was a fine routine outside the original one, though that remained. Our weekly appointment provided a nice therapy, didn't it? A way out that led directly back in.

As the 15th sped in we learned more: you flood yourself out onto every close canvas, be it wood or film or page or book or chord. Your mind is a storm, while I keep mine a vortex, drowning in the books I pull down around myself, reading by every light of every sort that's nearest to illuminate the words. I am stubborn in my endeavors, I began to really realize, sticking through the worst, while you always know the moment to jump out, know how to spot the sharks.

Each week you came in and we had that moment, your smile and your smirk at me, behind the counter, taking your money. Paying me to see you.

Reaching the 26th we spoke nearly daily, and the rhythm of your voice and your songs were all that kept me living through my unpleasant bookselling monotony. I wanted to take that laugh of yours and implant it into the minds of everyone who swept through in front of me, as that place and the rest of the world seemed so bland without your vocal presence.

On the 31st you walked in and paid for your book with a key and some papers, and that night and the next day we spent consecrating a shared home.

Two days past the 39th I had to vanish; I had, 'til then, made sure to keep my family, and some of me, accordingly, hidden from you, a safety, a stupid concern. A tragedy arose that I was required to tend to, and while tragedies never end comically, the whole endeavor turned out better than I had expected. At the time. But I paid for my silence and my secrets, and I returned, on the 44th, to find you gone.

The rent was paid and our things were present as ever, but yours were gone, and mine were covered in a layer of blue dust. You had awarded me the same silence I had awarded you.

You returned on the 52nd to a stony disposition, my raw unreasonable reaction to your vanishing act. My soul felt cold but my belly was full of fire, and sadly all you could do was be burnt. My combustion set a final note for us, but you still had one last song to sing for me before we both could be completely extinguished:

On the 103rd you appeared, returned again, finally. The last book you presented to me to check out was one I had never perused, brand new, its cover a Marigold and on your finger, a ring. Its cost was $20.55: the cost you paid to never see me again. I stood there no longer cold as you slipped it away and then stepped out, and quick as I could I checked out, dropped my name to the floor, following you, but you were gone, and I was lost.

__________________
Quote by Hol:
Though it's Christmas Day
I really do have to say
Dammit Mav, you're Gay

Quote by Alizarin:
<Alizarin>: mav mav he's mabulous la la la




Quote by Daveh:
I thought of you and my cock got as hard as a diamond, the rope stood no chance D:

09-05-2007 11:02 PMKrash is offline Send an Email to Krash Search for Posts by Krash Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

It's sad. Almost heart breaking. I like it though. I love the idea of it. Nice write, Mav.

__________________

09-05-2007 11:10 PMOld Gabén is offline Send an Email to Old Gabén Search for Posts by Old Gabén Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

;_;


SOME WEIRD PHRASING IN FIRST AND SECOND PARAGRAPHS




BUT IT FEELS MORE LEGITIMATE THAN MOST THINGS LIKE THIS, WELL DONE.


AND YEAH, SAD >.>

__________________


This post has been edited; it was last edited by Old Gabén: 09-05-2007 11:10 PM.

09-05-2007 11:12 PMMav is offline Send an Email to Mav Homepage of Mav Search for Posts by Mav Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Quote:
Originally posted by Teal
SOME WEIRD PHRASING IN FIRST AND SECOND PARAGRAPHS



I assume you mean the sentence about names? Yeah, that one's kinda odd, and was made that way. XD


And... legitimate? Ooooo. Sexy.

__________________
Quote by Hol:
Though it's Christmas Day
I really do have to say
Dammit Mav, you're Gay

Quote by Alizarin:
<Alizarin>: mav mav he's mabulous la la la




Quote by Daveh:
I thought of you and my cock got as hard as a diamond, the rope stood no chance D:

09-06-2007 12:34 PMNine XXVI is offline Send an Email to Nine XXVI Search for Posts by Nine XXVI Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

This kind of hits too close to home... Ninja!

Yeah, I like it too. And like Crashu and Moneh said, strange writing in the beginning (stop abusing the commas) and its very vague, at least to me, which is nice.

Nice shit Mavveh, nice shit~

Hug
Peace.

__________________
"It's about the realism, I mean there has to be some underlying tenant of logic
going on or else you just become the writing team from Passions," - Sharpie.

09-06-2007 1:01 PMKrash is offline Send an Email to Krash Search for Posts by Krash Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Quote:
Originally posted by Grace & Nine
Yeah, I like it too. And like Crashu and Moneh said, strange writing in the beginning (stop abusing the commas) and its very vague, at least to me, which is nice.



I never thought it was weird.

__________________

09-06-2007 1:04 PMNine XXVI is offline Send an Email to Nine XXVI Search for Posts by Nine XXVI Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Oh, my bad.

As you were. Good job on the dekrautin' Crash.
Peace.

__________________
"It's about the realism, I mean there has to be some underlying tenant of logic
going on or else you just become the writing team from Passions," - Sharpie.

09-06-2007 1:20 PMStruggler is offline Send an Email to Struggler Search for Posts by Struggler Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

I see, Nine's point, about the, giant abuse, of commas, Also I, just skimmed, to see the comma, abuse, yeah.

__________________
GUL DUKAT DID NOTHING WRONG.

Descartes: An optimist may see a light where there is none, but why must the pessimist always run to blow it out?

09-06-2007 1:21 PMNine XXVI is offline Send an Email to Nine XXVI Search for Posts by Nine XXVI Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Quote:
Originally posted by Shirley Manson
I see, Nine's point, about the, giant abuse, of commas, Also I, just skimmed, to see the comma, abuse, yeah.

Laughing My Ass Off

RAEP isn't about love grammar, no.
Peace.

__________________
"It's about the realism, I mean there has to be some underlying tenant of logic
going on or else you just become the writing team from Passions," - Sharpie.

09-06-2007 1:23 PMKrash is offline Send an Email to Krash Search for Posts by Krash Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Quote:
Originally posted by Shirley Manson
I see, Nine's point, about the, giant abuse, of commas, Also I, just skimmed, to see the comma, abuse, yeah.



OHSHI--!


Well, you know what they say, anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

__________________

09-06-2007 3:14 PMMav is offline Send an Email to Mav Homepage of Mav Search for Posts by Mav Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

...Yeeeeah looking at it there's only one comma in the first paragrpah I'm gonna take out (after Victory). other than that you guys are exagerrating it. =P

__________________
Quote by Hol:
Though it's Christmas Day
I really do have to say
Dammit Mav, you're Gay

Quote by Alizarin:
<Alizarin>: mav mav he's mabulous la la la




Quote by Daveh:
I thought of you and my cock got as hard as a diamond, the rope stood no chance D:

09-06-2007 3:16 PMKrash is offline Send an Email to Krash Search for Posts by Krash Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Actually, the only comma I'd take out would be the one after "you had known mine since the 1st" change it to a period and you'd be golden.

__________________

09-06-2007 5:19 PMMav is offline Send an Email to Mav Homepage of Mav Search for Posts by Mav Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

...What? That doesn't make any sense. "from the first" and "Chuckling it out" have to be part of the same sentence.

__________________
Quote by Hol:
Though it's Christmas Day
I really do have to say
Dammit Mav, you're Gay

Quote by Alizarin:
<Alizarin>: mav mav he's mabulous la la la




Quote by Daveh:
I thought of you and my cock got as hard as a diamond, the rope stood no chance D:

09-06-2007 6:33 PMStruggler is offline Send an Email to Struggler Search for Posts by Struggler Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

...wow the whole thing has a metric assload of commas.

This, is my poem, it's one of those, run-on sentences...

__________________
GUL DUKAT DID NOTHING WRONG.

Descartes: An optimist may see a light where there is none, but why must the pessimist always run to blow it out?

09-06-2007 7:53 PMSZO is offline Send an Email to SZO Homepage of SZO Search for Posts by SZO Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Its not a full run on since he does use punctuation and capitalization and periods and your mother and cheese and i haet lyfe and u should go fuckin die
09-06-2007 8:49 PMMav is offline Send an Email to Mav Homepage of Mav Search for Posts by Mav Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Considering that I use commas to indicate actual pauses in speech and separate phrases the whole Shatner comparison is a bit annoying, yeah.

__________________
Quote by Hol:
Though it's Christmas Day
I really do have to say
Dammit Mav, you're Gay

Quote by Alizarin:
<Alizarin>: mav mav he's mabulous la la la




Quote by Daveh:
I thought of you and my cock got as hard as a diamond, the rope stood no chance D:

09-06-2007 10:21 PMAlabastard is offline Send an Email to Alabastard Search for Posts by Alabastard Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Elipses.
09-06-2007 10:39 PMMav is offline Send an Email to Mav Homepage of Mav Search for Posts by Mav Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

...What about them?

__________________
Quote by Hol:
Though it's Christmas Day
I really do have to say
Dammit Mav, you're Gay

Quote by Alizarin:
<Alizarin>: mav mav he's mabulous la la la




Quote by Daveh:
I thought of you and my cock got as hard as a diamond, the rope stood no chance D:

09-06-2007 10:54 PMEdger is offline Send an Email to Edger Search for Posts by Edger Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

They indicate much longer pauses, X, and generally to represent, in my opinion, an incompleteness of thought--IE someone taking a moment to come up with the next thought.

A comma is a much shorter, even shorter than a period...

Much nicer.

__________________
Quote by Jack Crawford:
What the fuck? Ed looks less like a nerd than I do. What bullshit is that?

09-06-2007 11:04 PMAlabastard is offline Send an Email to Alabastard Search for Posts by Alabastard Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Ellipses > commas
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