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10-10-2007 2:14 PMAlabastard is offline Send an Email to Alabastard Search for Posts by Alabastard Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Much better. SPEECH NOW READABLE.

Should split up your speech paragrphs for more readability though.
10-10-2007 3:55 PMIron Savior is offline Send an Email to Iron Savior Search for Posts by Iron Savior Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

See first post.

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10-10-2007 4:11 PMAlabastard is offline Send an Email to Alabastard Search for Posts by Alabastard Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Very good, I like it.
10-10-2007 7:20 PMIron Savior is offline Send an Email to Iron Savior Search for Posts by Iron Savior Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

“Man, this sucks unbelievably bad,” groaned Tony. “Two hours of sitting here watching the stars go by is NOT good for someone who’s only had four hours of sleep. BUT, I still have another two hours to wait, so I might as well just shut up. Like smugglers operate at 7 in the morning anyway”

---

"What the hell? What's a mining vessel doing out here, especially at 7 am?"

"It doesn't matter. They're defenseless all alone out here. Send in the Stealth Fighters in ambush formation and have them wait for my signal to attack."

"Yes sir!"

---

"GUYS, wake up! We got blips!"

"Are you kiddin' me?!" roared Rex. "You know what happened to the boy that cried wolf; he got his ass beat!"

"One," retorted Maya, "That's wrong on way too many levels. And two, he's right; look! And not with your mouth this time, dumbass."

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10-11-2007 6:57 AMIron Savior is offline Send an Email to Iron Savior Search for Posts by Iron Savior Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Maya was right - a look at the radar showed two sets of blips, neither group exceeding 3 or 4 ships.

"Shit," commented Rex. "Feels like Christmas morning! If we bag these morons, we'll be eating like kings for months!"

Tony chuckled. "Yeah, but are you up to the challenge?"

"You're one to talk, what with that flying tampon you pilot."

"Hey, at least I don't waste all our money on repairs every damn time we come within a lightyear of something with a weapon."

"Yeah, yeah. Very funny."

As the two argued over power versus maneuverability, they made their way to the hangar; they would strike fast and hard, just like true German descendants.

[Again, sorry for the shortness, but class is starting soon.]

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10-11-2007 11:44 AMNine XXVI is offline Send an Email to Nine XXVI Search for Posts by Nine XXVI Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Maybe you should hook this up when you don't have class? Ever think of that, Iron?

And the writing is better, yeah. It still kind of sounds like annoying children (too much dialogue and not enough setting and background for me, something like that) I guess but its getting interesting. The bounty hunting and the mining are interesting backdrops as well though.
Peace.

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"It's about the realism, I mean there has to be some underlying tenant of logic
going on or else you just become the writing team from Passions," - Sharpie.

10-11-2007 11:47 AMIron Savior is offline Send an Email to Iron Savior Search for Posts by Iron Savior Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

There's gonna be little dialogue and thick in the action pretty soon, and as more important things start happening, so too the environment will be focused on further.

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10-11-2007 12:26 PMRussian Agent is offline Send an Email to Russian Agent Search for Posts by Russian Agent Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Quote:
Originally posted by Grace & Nine
The bounty hunting and the mining are interesting backdrops as well though.
Peace.


Bounty hunters in space...oh wait, yeah I've seen this before, except it was called cowboy bebop

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JE SUIS CHARLIE


These are not fairy tales, or myths. This place of power is tangible, and as such, can be found, entered, and perhaps, utilized in some fashion..

Quote by Nina Fortner (regarding faking one's death):
Been there done that. No one would believe it this time.

Quote by Alizarin:
holy fuck i am ready to burn it all down. all of it.

10-11-2007 12:29 PMNine XXVI is offline Send an Email to Nine XXVI Search for Posts by Nine XXVI Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Quote:
Originally posted by Sharpshooter005
Quote:
Originally posted by Grace & Nine
The bounty hunting and the mining are interesting backdrops as well though.
Peace.


Bounty hunters in space...oh wait, yeah I've seen this before, except it was called cowboy bebop

Yeah, I was getting that obvious vibe as well. Except its different, the writing and the characters seem organized as well. Not the loose cannon excitement that Spike and Jet did, no.
Peace.

__________________
"It's about the realism, I mean there has to be some underlying tenant of logic
going on or else you just become the writing team from Passions," - Sharpie.

10-11-2007 1:31 PMIron Savior is offline Send an Email to Iron Savior Search for Posts by Iron Savior Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Actually, I just realized it was getting close to Bebop ripoff. I hadn't even thought of it until you said something.

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10-11-2007 2:31 PMAlabastard is offline Send an Email to Alabastard Search for Posts by Alabastard Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

...You hadn't thought of it? I thought it was intended myself.
10-11-2007 4:31 PMIron Savior is offline Send an Email to Iron Savior Search for Posts by Iron Savior Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Nope, hadn't even thought to consider if I sounded like I was ripping off of something. I guess the only thing I can say in my defense is that I only really recall Spike doing things in person, while these guys are all about fighting ship vs. ship when possible.

That'll really start to show later on.

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10-11-2007 4:33 PMAlabastard is offline Send an Email to Alabastard Search for Posts by Alabastard Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

What'll really start to show, that you don't know Bebop?
10-11-2007 4:49 PMIron Savior is offline Send an Email to Iron Savior Search for Posts by Iron Savior Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

That too.

(times watched < 10)

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10-11-2007 10:57 PMNine XXVI is offline Send an Email to Nine XXVI Search for Posts by Nine XXVI Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Quote:
Originally posted by Iron Savior
Nope, hadn't even thought to consider if I sounded like I was ripping off of something. I guess the only thing I can say in my defense is that I only really recall Spike doing things in person, while these guys are all about fighting ship vs. ship when possible.

That'll really start to show later on.

You're not really ripping anything off, just the the similarites are there though.

Quote:
Originally posted by Iron Savior
That too.

(times watched < 10)

I'VE WATCHED IT MORE THAN U.

I have a picture in the works as well... Ninja!
Peace.

__________________
"It's about the realism, I mean there has to be some underlying tenant of logic
going on or else you just become the writing team from Passions," - Sharpie.

10-12-2007 6:55 AMIron Savior is offline Send an Email to Iron Savior Search for Posts by Iron Savior Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

I will admit that I have a couple major influences, though. They are EVE Online (which almost nobody plays in the first place) and a few songs by Primal Fear (which almost nobody listens to.)

Yeah, I'm pretty sure nobody is gonna call me on it.

Also Nine, the reason I almost always write at school instead of at home is because I have video games at home. :P

And I do plan on watching Bebop moar when I can and remember to. But anyway, nothing for now. If I can remember, I'll make a big update of hopefully at least half the battle when I get home.

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At Vance - Heart of Steel


10-12-2007 1:23 PMNine XXVI is offline Send an Email to Nine XXVI Search for Posts by Nine XXVI Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Quote:
Originally posted by Iron Savior
Also Nine, the reason I almost always write at school instead of at home is because I have video games at home. :P

And I do plan on watching Bebop moar when I can and remember to. But anyway, nothing for now. If I can remember, I'll make a big update of hopefully at least half the battle when I get home.

lolvideogames

Also, Bebop is showing again on [adult swim] yeah. Then again, anyone watching [adult swim] on the weekdays should have their citizenships revoked (two back to back InuYasha episodes, WHY?). That's all I'm sayin'.
Peace.

__________________
"It's about the realism, I mean there has to be some underlying tenant of logic
going on or else you just become the writing team from Passions," - Sharpie.

10-12-2007 4:14 PMAlabastard is offline Send an Email to Alabastard Search for Posts by Alabastard Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Who WOULd play EVE Online, seriousky?

The game makers actually rig shit in favor of certain people.
10-12-2007 11:00 PMIron Savior is offline Send an Email to Iron Savior Search for Posts by Iron Savior Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

But the general concept of being able to mine for profit, hunt pirates, or BE a pirate was a major fuel of the story's conceptualization. In fact, if I wanted, I could easily turn this into an EVE fanfic, but those things are the bane of my existence. I played the demo; it's decent, but the playing really is a bit too slow-paced for me, which is why I've sorta fused in a few concepts from a certain shoot-em-up (but not Gradius, surprisingly,) and a completely unknown online strategy game that's likely dead by now, called Star Dart.

Fuck you, Firefox, add Gradius to dictionary.

Anyway, clearing my mind atm, will probably post some soon.

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At Vance - Heart of Steel


10-12-2007 11:55 PMRussian Agent is offline Send an Email to Russian Agent Search for Posts by Russian Agent Post Reply with Quote Edit/Delete Post       Go to the top of this page

Well fuck, why not just make it about pirates if you're so concerned with these themes.

Minings been going on since...forever. Piracy's been documented since something like 10 BC.

Why's FUTAR SPAEC PIRACY so special

__________________
JE SUIS CHARLIE


These are not fairy tales, or myths. This place of power is tangible, and as such, can be found, entered, and perhaps, utilized in some fashion..

Quote by Nina Fortner (regarding faking one's death):
Been there done that. No one would believe it this time.

Quote by Alizarin:
holy fuck i am ready to burn it all down. all of it.

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